The Top 15 Signs You May Be a Bad Driver

15> You have a reserved parking space with your name on it -- at traffic court.


14> You spend an inordinate amount of time scraping hair and bone out of your front grille.


13> After heading off for the corner deli, you end up in downtown Basra.


12> You've racked up so many points on your driver's license that you can redeem them for a reduced sentence on your next vehicular manslaughter conviction.


11> Every year, Italy issues you a driver's license.


10> Awarding you the best actress Oscar for "Monster's Ball" was just a sneaky way to encourage you to ride in limousines.


9> You get more unwanted tickets than friends and family of the Detroit Tigers.


8> After less than 10 minutes in your car, Saddam and his sons change their minds and now "feel like walking to Jordan."


7> Your family already has a roadside cross ready to mark the inevitable spot.


6> Earl Scheib just named his new 160-foot yacht afteb you.


5> Whenever you go out, your friends make you the "designated drunk."


4> You see more middle fingers than a manicurist.


3> The highway patrol cops in your state have memorized your date of birth, social security number, home address, license plate number and how many points you have left before your 39th trip to traffic school, which is named after you.


2> The other day, you ran right into the garage door -- and it was *up* at the time.


1> Every time your cell phone rings while you're putting on makeup, you spill your tea, drop your Game Boy and rear-end the car in front of you on the freeway.


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[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]