The Chocolate Ritual

The Chocolate Ritual (You need to know a bit about wicca for this to be a knee slapper. . .)Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the big one), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quik and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet. The athame is represented by a cake knife reserved only for cutting Devil's Food Cake, and the pentacle is represented by a chocolate star.CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)Chocolate sprinkles where thou artCast no calories in thy presence last.Let no fat adhere to meAnd as I will so mote it be!Nestle's Quik where thou art castTurn this milk to chocolate fast.Let all good things come to me,and make my milk all chocolatey!CAST THE CIRCLE(using the Tootsie roll)CALL THE QUARTERS:Mousse of the East, Fluffy one!Great prince of the palace of dessert!be present we pray thee,and guard this circlefrom all moochers approachingfrom the East.Fondue of the South, Molten one!Great Prince of the palace of decadence!be present we pray thee,and guard this circle from all diets approachingfrom the South.Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one!Great prince of the palace of thirst!Be present we pray thee,and guard this circle from all carob approachingfrom the West.Rocky Road of the North, Cold one!Great Prince of the palace of crunchy!Be present we pray thee,and guard this circle from all cheap imitations approachingfrom the North.MAIN RITUAL:HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called:Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while andbetter it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in agreat public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me,who is Queen of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you whohave eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shallbring GoodThings for your tongue. And you shall have chocolate smears on yourcheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noisesall in my presence.For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy onearth, yea, even into high orbit, for my law is 'melts in your mouth,not in your hand.' Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always,let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens yourmouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and thecomfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the gracious Goddess whogives the gift of joy onto the tummies of men and women.Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyonddeath...well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand onlyyou have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dustof whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racksand finer stores everywhere:I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softnessof big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles,and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thysoul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from medo all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return,again...and again...and again...and again.Before me smeared faces, beloved of women and men, thine innermostdivine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let mytaste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts ofyumminess and pleasure aremy rituals.Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling,big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate-coveredcherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that yourseeking and yearning shallavail you not unless you know the Mystery: 'We shall sell nochocolate until you pay for it.' For behold: I have been with yousince you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearlyany shop in the land.Messed be.SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was calledGhirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by manyother names:HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell onthe floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and thedeepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resistthe call for chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become yoursacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and thecall of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva storedowntown.I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power ofjaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and theshelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. You aredear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate thatyou had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magicalsight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By thepowers of the half-melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, bythe darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smellof bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by thebeauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you.Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. Thewealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan kin would envy.Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in thelast satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo.Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called'Baking Chocolate,' for it is vile and bitter. Be not greedy, but letyourself be known as a connoisseur. Leave a little for someone else.I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the nextcorner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the endof your hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-11 onthe corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child whocan never get quite enough.If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine areintertwined.CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO (Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than darkchocolate.HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.HP: For both are better than the falsely named 'white Chocolate.'HPS: And neither is carob.HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake.HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way bar.Both: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there isno greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate. (Blessing of the cupcakes)HP: Frosting is keen.HPS: And frosting is neat.BOTH: Great Goddess! Let us eat!(Feasting and Drinking)Dismiss the quarters:HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies for the ______, we thank you for attendingour rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweetand sticky realms, we say unto you, 'N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes thevery best.'ALL: Chooooooooc-laaaaate(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east)