The Catholic Dictionary


AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.


BULLETIN: 1. Parish information, read only during the homily. 2. Catholic air conditioning. 3. Your receipt for attending Mass.


CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.


HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.


HYMN: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation's range.


RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass, often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.


INCENSE: Holy Smoke!


JESUITS: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.


JONAH: The original "Jaws" story.


JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own.


KYRIE ELIEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.


MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.


MANGER: 1. Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO. 2. The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.


PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.


PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.


RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass - led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.


RELICS: People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.


TEN COMMANDMENTS: The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.


USHERS: The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.

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