SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet.

SYMPTOM - Feet cold and wet. SOLUTION - Glass being held at incorrect angle. Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling. SYMPTOM - Beer unusually pale and tasteless. SOLUTION - Glass empty. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM - Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. SOLUTION - You have fallen over backward. Have yourself lashed to bar. SYMPTOM - Mouth contains cigarette butts. SOLUTION - You have fallen forward. See above. SYMPTOM - Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. SOLUTION - Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. Retire to restroom, practice in mirror. SYMPTOM - Floor blurred. SOLUTION - You are looking through bottom of empty glass. Get someone to buy you another beer. SYMPTOM - Floor moving. SOLUTION - You are being carried out. Find out if you are being taken to another bar. SYMPTOM - Room seems unusually dark. SOLUTION - Bar has closed. Confirm home address with bartender. SYMPTOM - Everyone looks up to you and smiles. SOLUTION - You are dancing on the table. Fall on somebody cushy-looking. SYMPTOM - Beer is crystal-clear SOLUTION - It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up. Punch him. SYMPTOM - Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear. SOLUTION - You have been in a fight. Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them SYMPTOM - Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in. SOLUTION - You've wandered into the wrong party. See if they have free beer. SYMPTOM - Your singing sounds distorted. SOLUTION - The beer is too weak. Have more beer until your voice improves. SYMPTOM - Don't remember the words to the song. SOLUTION - Beer is just right. Play air guitar.