Surviving Y2K

With the new millennium nearly upon us, here are some handy tips to help prepare you for what may lie ahead:- Stock up on canned goods, paper bags, packages of Jell-O, small cardboard boxes and Reader's Digest back issues, or simply move in with an elderly person.- Memorize Lou Bega's "Mambo No. 5" now, so you can continue to enjoy it after there are no radio stations.- Learn a valuable skill, such as masonry, woodcutting or trench-digging. These trades will be much sought-after in the coming Empire Of The Beast-King.- Stock up on Hostess Fruit Pies. This may not keep you alive for long, but while it does... oh, baby.- Decide now whether you want to focus on raping or pillaging when the end comes.- Learn basic survival skills... the Tae-Bo� way.- Develop the ability to convert sunlight into energy using the chlorophyll in your body.- Build yourself a moonshine still. Actually, this is a good idea almost any time.- Integrate yourself into sewer-based C.H.U.D. tribes now, before they think you're just jumping on the post-apocalyptic bandwagon.- Don't stand close to a computer at midnight on New Year's Eve. It may emit showers of sparks and say, "Error... Error," in a mechanical monotone.- When the apocalypse comes, plan to rely solely on your good looks, amiable manner and pleasant telephone voice.- In charge of a fringe church or militia? This may be the big break you've been waiting for.- When defending your food piles, remember to aim for the center of the face.- Hot chicks want nothing more than to survive the Y2K crisis. Telling them you have a shelter and food supply will be all you need to have a sexxxy new millennium.- If disaster strikes, it's God's wrath -- quote the Old Testament. But if nothing happens, God is merciful -- quote the New Testament.