Rosh Hashana

For all of you who don't know, Rosh Hashana is the Jewish New Year. It begins this year at sundown on October 1.


Traditionally, on the first day of Rosh Hashana you throw bread crumbs away to represent throwing away your sins of the past year and starting fresh.


SUGGESTIONS FOR TASHLICH


Taking a few crumbs to Tashlich from whatever old bread is in the house lacks subtlety, nuance and religious sensitivity. Instead, this coming Rosh Hashanah consider these options:


For ordinary sins, use White Bread


For exotic sins, French Bread


For particularly dark sins, Pumpernickel


For complex sins, Multi-grain


For twisted sins, Pretzels


For tasteless sins, Rice Cakes


For sins of indecision, Waffles


For sins committed in haste, Matzah


For sins committed in less than eighteen minutes, Shmurah Matzah


For sins of chutzpah, Fresh Bread


For substance abuse, Poppy Seed


For committing arson, Toast


For committing auto theft, Caraway


For being ill tempered, Sourdough


For silliness, Nut Bread


For not giving full value, Shortbread


For jingoism, Yankee Doodles


For excessive use of irony, Rye Bread


For telling bad jokes, Corn Bread


For hardening our hearts, Jelly doughnuts


For being money hungry, Enriched Bread or Raw Dough


For war-mongering, Kaiser Rolls


For immodest dressing, Tarts


For causing injury or damage to others, Tortes


For promiscuity, Hot Buns For racism, Crackers


For sophisticated racism, Ritz Crackers


For davvening off tune, Flat Bread


For being holier than thou, Bagels


For unfairly upbraiding another, Challah


For indecent photography, Cheese Cake


For trashing the environment, Dumplings


For sins of laziness, Any Very Long Loaf


For sins of pride, Puff Pastry


For lying, Baked Goods with Nutrasweet and Olestra


For wearing tasteless hats, Tam Tams


For the sins of the righteous, Angel Food Cake


For selling your soul, Devils Food Cake


For lust in your heart, Wonder Bread


For inhaling, Stoned Wheat


Remember, you don't have to show your crumbs to anyone.