Real Rabbi Joke

OK - so many years ago, i was actually a practicing jew, in a yeshiva no less. The rabbi's would sometimes tell us jokes. most were awful. this one i thought was amusing. in a reddit filled with old reposts, i think it'll at least be a bit fresh.

A long time ago there was a small jewish community is a very anti-semitic christian european town. The anti-semitism reached such a fever pitch that the christian community members wanted to run the jews out of town, but the local bishop, who was effectively the mayor, had the last say.

"We cannot simply run them out of town", he said, "without at least giving them a chance to defend themselves. Let them know that one week from this Sunday, in the town square, I will personally challenge a champion of their choosing to a battle of spiritual purity. It will be a silent battle of the wits. If they lose, they must leave the town. But if I am bested, they may stay."

So word reached back into the synagogue, and they were all veklempt. "Who are we gonna send??" They had no idea what they were in for, but finally, good old Shmueli volunteered. The congregation was anxious, but hopeful that somehow shmueli could save them.

The next sunday, with much pomp and circumstance the bishop and shmueli faced off in the town square. After staring at each other for a few moments, the Cardinal rapidly lifted up one finger into the air and held it - the challenge had begun.

Shmueli, with a stern look on his face, quickly raised two fingers in the air.

The bishop lowered his hand, and nodded.. impressed at the prowess of his competitor.

Then the bishop lifted up his hand above his head - palm open and fingers spread apart.

The crowd gasped as Shmuelli responded by making a firm first held close to his heart.

Again, the bishop nodded- somewhat surprised at the response. This 'shmueli' was a worthy adversary.

Finally the bishop motioned to an assistant and whispered in his ear. Moments later, the assistant handed the bishop a bottle of red wine. The bishop showed this off to the crowd who murmured in confusion.

At this, shmueli motioned to his friend yitzchak, and with a few quiet words, moments later yitzchak handed shmueli a wheel of white cheese, which he held aloft.

At this, the bishop bowed his head, and said quietly, "the battle is over. Shmeuli has bested me. The jews may stay."

The jews cheered and danced all the way back to the synagogue, carrying shmueli on their shoulders.

When they had all gone, all that was left were the christian community members, standing around the bishop in stunned silence. Finally, one asked: "Bishop, what happened? we didn't understand the battle. How did he beat you?"

The bishop responded, "ah.. shmueli is a wise man. At first i lifted up one finger to say that there is only one god, and that is the lord - to which shmueli responded with two fingers.. saying yes, but the lord can be worshipped in more than one way."

"then i lifted up my hand, fingers spread out, to say - the jewish people are scattered and formless across the earth! Without a homeland or center - vagrants and vagabonds!"

To this, shmueli held a fist over his heart - saying that above all else, the jewish people are united with one heart - and that overcomes and separation in the world."

Finally, was my last and most brutal accusation - with the bottle of wine i said that the jews' sins are as red as the wine i hold - a simple fact to which i can accept no denial.

And to this, shmueli responded with a wheel of white cheese. Saying yes, but through devotion and love of god, our sins may be transmuted into purity and light."

The crowd was awed. This champion of the jews had earned his victory. They all slowly shuffled off to their homes.

Meanwhile... back int he synagogue..

"Hey shmueli!!" said avram.. "what the heck was dat all about!?"

"Well", said shmueli.."it was really pretty straight forward. First he lifts up a finger like he's a'gonna poke my eye out.. so i says, 'you poke MY eye out, im gonna poke BOTH you eyes out!'

Then he lifts his hand like he's gonna give me a smack.. so i says with my fist 'watch out or i'll clock you one too!'

Finally, i guess he felt bad and wanted to make nice and have a party. So i said sure!! you bring the wine, i'll bring the cheese!