Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski...

Once there was a man named Zade Zazinski. Zade was always last for everything due to his name. Everything always seemed to run out before Zade received his portion. Schoolbooks, supplies, food rations. Disappointed, Zade joined the military out of high school thinking that he would be treated equally by the armed forces.


Once he arrived at basic training things did not go as planned. He went to the rifle range on his first day. His drill sergeant told him, “Sorry Zazinski, we’ve run out of rifles. You’ll just have to pretend out there.” Since Zade had so much practice at making due with what he had, he went with it. Zade stepped up to the firing line, held an imaginary rifle up and said, “Bang. Bang. Bang.” The next day he received a certificate for good marksmanship.


The following day’s training consisted of learning how to use a bayonet. Again, the drill sergeant said, “Sorry Zazinski. We’ve run out of bayonets, you’ll just have to pretend.” So again, Zade stepped up to the hanging dummy and screamed “Stab. Stab. Stab.” The next day he received commendations for good bayonetsmanship.


On the third day the group headed to the grenade range. Again the drill sergeant said, “Zazinski, we have no more grenades. You’ll just have to pretend out there.” So Zade threw imaginary grenades while making explosion sounds, “Brooosh. Kerpow. Shblaam.” The next day he received high honors for good grenade throwing.


Soon after, Zade was deployed to war. With the honors he received at basic, Zazinski hoped he would be the dependable soldier they needed on the warfront. Deep down he knew it would happen, but Zazinski was still disappointed to learn that there was not enough equipment to go around. Again he was told to just pretend.


Zade is sent to the front lines. He sees the enemy soldiers in the distance. Grabbing his rifle, Zade took aim and said, “Bang. Bang. Bang.” Three enemy soldiers fell over dead.


As they advanced further, Zade pulled the fake pins from his faux grenades and lobbed them at the enemy saying, “Broosh. Kerpow. Shblaam.” Giant explosions tore through the enemy, killing at least 20 combatants.


Soon the enemy was close enough to require close combat. Once again, Zade reacted by attaching his bayonet and screaming, “Stab. Stab. Stab.” Anyone who got close fell with knife wounds in their bodies.


Zade continued to use his fake weaponry to decimate the battlefield. Shouts of “Bang, Stab, Broosh,” echoed across the wasteland that was the warzone. Enemy soldiers fell left and right. It seemed that no one was safe from the onslaught of Zazinski. Casualties piled up until finally, there were only two people left; Zazinski, and an enemy soldier who marched directly at him.


“Bang. Bang. Bang.” said Zade, but nothing happened.



“Broosh. Kerpow. Shblaam.” Again, nothing.



Soon the enemy was within bayonet range.



“Stab. Stab. Stab.”



Nothing.



With a look of disbelief Zazinski fell underneath the relentless forward march of the enemy soldier.



Zade had just enough time to look the soldier over, noticing the name tag reading ‘Zembrowski,’ and to hear the final words of his life spoken by the enemy:


“Tank. Tank. Tank.”