Job Applicant Code

What job applicants really mean on their applications and resumes and in employment interviews


"I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:" I'm usually on Prozac.
When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.


"I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &
ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:" I talk too much and like to tell other
people what to do.


"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:" I've
used Microsoft Office.


"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:" I pilfer office supplies.


"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:" I hope you don't ask
me about all the McJobs I've had.


"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:" I blame others for my mistakes.


"I'M BALANCED AND CENTERED:" I'll keep crystals at my desk and
do Tai Chi in the lunch room.


"I HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR:" I know a lot of corny, old jokes
and I tell them badly.


"I'M PERSONABLE:" I give lots of unsolicited personal
advice to co-workers.


"I'M WILLING TO RELOCATE:" As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.


"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:" I carry a Day-Timer.


"MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:" You're probably
looking for someone more experienced.


"I AM ADAPTABLE:" I've changed jobs a lot.


"I AM ON THE GO:" I'm never at my desk.


"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:" The minute I find a better job.
I'm outta there.


"I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:" I'm a college drop-out.


"I INTERACT WELL WITH CO-WORKERS:" I've been accused of
sexual harassment.


"THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:" Wait! Don't throw me away!


"I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:" Like, I'm gonna hold
my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my
interest and wishing me luck in my future career.