A $338million Powerball winner paid $30,000 in back child support while laughing and laughing and laughing.
A thief attempting to steal an ivory tusk from a museum failed on Saturday, but how he failed exactly is irrelephant.
March Madness has come and gone, so see a doctor if you have a basketball erection lasting more than four hours.
A Zumba instructor in Maine has been found guilty of prostitution, though her plea deal has moved her from Insanity to regular P90X.
Vermont police are on the search for a missing Sasquatch statue. The search began by questioning all local shotgun-wielding redneck statues.
Arianna Huffington is being sued over alleged damages to a loft she rented in Chelsea. See also huffpo.com/55-bikini-Babes-named-Chelsea.
An NRA plan to arm adults in schools really just sounds like a shot in the dark.
A Seattle Easter egg hunt broke out into a fistfight, reminding us all the true reason for the season; violent murder.
An Easter bunny was pulled over on a motorcycle Sunday for not wearing a helmet. Hippity, hoppity, massive brain trauma's on its way.
Pat Robertson has stated that more educated people experience miracles less often, but not everyone defines toaster strudels as miracles.
Former Atlanta school chief was caught cheating on state tests for more funding. She was caught when no students ended an essay with #yolo.
An Arkansas oil pipeline rupture spilled over 12,000 barrels of oil. "We're rich!" screamed the local, dying wildlife.
Philadelphia hired mimes on Monday to encourage driving safety. The experiment was cut short when an invisible wall stopped all traffic.
A Brazilian woman was nearly killed by a train after jumping to the tracks to retrieve her cell phone. "So close," said Darwin.
An April Fools day prank claimed a Virginia Waffle House had been robbed. Local police scattered, smothered, and covered the area.
A man using a tree as target practice took a ricocheted bullet to an unspecified body part. "Yeah, how you like us now, bitch?" - The Lorax
A German cold snap killed 300 performing fleas. Thankfully, the Germans who enjoy a flea circus were equally entertained by more drinking.
Detroit airport shut down for two hours Monday when a passenger was spotted with something unusual for Detroit; steady employment and hope.
A Herr's potato chip truck was stolen outside a Philly convenience store. Charlie Day is suspected to have cut the brakes. WILDCARD BITCHES!
All based on real news from this week. See more @FridayUpdate on twitter.
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