Abbott & Costello - Computers

ABBOTT: Fry's Electronics. Can I help you?


COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.


ABBOTT: Your computer?


COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.


ABBOTT: Mac?


COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.


ABBOTT: What about Windows?


COSTELLO: Why? Does it get stuffy?


ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?


COSTELLO: I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?


ABBOTT: Wallpaper.


COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.


ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?


COSTELLO: No, on the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?


ABBOTT: I just did.


COSTELLO: You just did what?


ABBOTT: Recommended something.


COSTELLO: You recommended something?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: For my office?


ABBOTT: Yes.


COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?


ABBOTT: Office.


COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.


ABBOTT: Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows! Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words. But what program do I load?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: The Word in Office.


COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"


ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.


COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?


ABBOTT: Real One.


COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. But what do I need to watch it?


ABBOTT: Real One.


COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four. Can I watch reel four?


ABBOTT: Of course.


COSTELLO: Great! With what?


ABBOTT: Real One.


COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.


What do I do?


ABBOTT: You click the blue 1.


COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?


ABBOTT: The blue 1.


COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?


ABBOTT: Of course it is. The blue 1 is Real One. The blue W is Word.


COSTELLO: What word?


ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"


ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.


COSTELLO: It is?


ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.


COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?


ABBOTT: No. Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.


COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on. What do you have to help me track my money?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?


ABBOTT: No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.


COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?


ABBOTT: Exactly. No extra charge.


COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge? How much money do I get?


ABBOTT: Just one copy.


COSTELLO: I get a copy of money. Isn't that illegal?


ABBOTT: No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.


COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?


ABBOTT: Why not? They own it.


COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?


ABBOTT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.


COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?


ABBOTT: Money.


COSTELLO: You sell money?


ABBOTT: Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.


COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business. Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?


ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.


COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.


ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.


COSTELLO: M..Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?


ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.


COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?


ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P. I said M.Y.O.B.


COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business. You know--accounting? You do it with money.


ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may need more.


COSTELLO: More money?


ABBOTT: More than Money. Money can't do everything.


COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word? Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?


ABBOTT: GoBack.


COSTELLO: Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data. What do you recommend?


ABBOTT: GoBack.


COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?


ABBOTT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.


COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay, I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?


ABBOTT: Word.


COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.


ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.


COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.


ABBOTT: Hello? Hello? Customers! Why do they always hang up on me? Oh, well. Fry's Electronics. Can I help you?