A man with half an orange as a head

A man with half an orange for a head walks into a bar. The bartender takes one look at him and says, 'Okay, man, I just have to know. I'll shout you a beer if you tell me just how your head came to be half an orange.' The man sits down at the bar and says, 'Well, it happened like this.'

'I'm walking along the beach one day when I find a mysterious bottle lying in the sand. I pick it up, gives it a rub and BAM! out pops a genie. "Okay," says the genie, "you know the drill, three wishes, you don't wish for more wishes and I won't creatively misinterpret your wishes to give you tiny musicians, how about that? Go."

Now, I'm not the type to rush into things, so I say to the genie, "Okay, look, how about I give this some thought and get back to you?" I put the bottle into his pocket and spend the next week giving serious thought to what one wish would make me the most happy. Eventually I pull the bottle out and says "Okay, I'm ready to wish, genie."

"About fucking time," says the genie, "it's cramped in there, what do you wish for?"

"Well," I said, "I've given it some thought, and I have decided that money can in fact buy happiness, and so I will have one billion dollars, please."

BAM! "It is done," says the genie, "what is your second wish?"

"I don't know yet," said I, "I'll get back to you."

So I and look at my bank balance, and sure enough, it's a billion dollars. I go and buy an mansion and a yacht and a harem and all sorts of expensive rich-person stuff and I live the life of luxury for months. But all the time I'm wondering in the back of my head what's missing from my life that this second wish is going to give me, and thinking it over and over and trying to figure it out. And eventually I pull the bottle out of my pocket and say, "Okay, genie, second wish."

"Jesus fucking christ," says the genie, "you don't make up your mind in a hurry, do you? What's it gonna be?"

"Genius." I say. "Creative, scientific, philosophical, all of the above. I wish to be the smartest, wisest man who ever lived."

"Big ask," says the genie, "but I'm up for it." BAM! and it is done."Do you reckon we can hurry it along and get to the third wish?" the genie asks plaintively. "I'm a busy genie." I shake my head and say I want to give the matter some thought.

I spend the next several years solving the mysteries of the universes, revolutionising science, writing masterpieces, founding my own religion. I negotiate world peace and invent whole new schools of thought. All the time I'm thinking, okay, what would be even better than this? What is the one thing I could wish for next that would make my life absolutely perfect? And eventually, I figure it out.

I pull out out the bottle and say to the genie, "Okay, it's third wish time."

"Fucking finally", says the genie, "what's it gonna be? What's your last and greatest wish?"

I lean in close and whisper:

"I wish I had half an orange for a head."