A guy walks into a bar...

After a long day of work, a guy walks into an empty bar. He looks around and sees no one, but suddenly hears a voice say:

- "You look nice."

He jumps and spins around - but no one is there.

*Again he hears the voice:*

- "That coat looks good on you."

*He looks puzzled as the voice seems to be coming from the bowl of peanuts on the bar counter.*

- "And your eyes are just stunning."

*The voice is definitely coming from the bowl of peanuts.*

.

The man escapes to the toilet to relieve himself. Unzipping his trousers, he hears a different voice when he whacks out his noodle:

- "Haha. That little thing is pathetic."

*He whips round, but no one is there.*

- "You better be a nice guy, cuz you're butt ugly too."

Absolutely confused he looks closer at the condom machine, the voice seemed to be coming from it.
*He leans towards the machine* -

- "GET OUT OF MY FACE SHIT HEAD. YOUR BREATH STINKS."

The condom machine barks at him. The man, startled, dashes back into the bar, noticing the landlord is now behind the bar.

- "Hey Landlord!"

- "The weirdest thing just happened to me!"

*The man explains the situation to the landlord who smiles, nods knowingly and replies*:

- "Ahh I'm sorry about that. You see, the peanuts are complimentary and the condom machine is just out of order."


Edit - formatting assistance from u/jeakjeak