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1. What are you thinking about? 2. Do you love me? 3. Do I look fat in this? 4. Do you think she is prettier than me? 5. What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so difficult is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e. tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses. Question #1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you. This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following: a. Football. b. Golf. c. How fat you are. d. How I would spend the insurance money if you died. Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you! Question #2: Do you love me? The proper response is: Yes! or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, Yes, dear. Inappropriate responses include: a. Oh yeah, sh*tloads. b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes? c. That depends on what you mean by love. d. Does it matter? e. Who, me? Question #3: Do I look fat? The correct answer is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect answers are: a. Compared to what? b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin. c. A little extra weight looks good on you. d. I've seen fatter. e. Sorry, what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question #4: Do you think she's prettier than me? Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: Of course not! Incorrect responses include: a. Yes, but you have a better personality. b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner. c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age. d. Define pretty. e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died. Question #5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is Buy a Ferrari and a boat.) No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines: Woman: Would you get married again? Man: Definitely not! Woman: Why not -- don't you like being married? Man: Of course I do. Woman: Then why wouldn't you remarry? Man: Okay, I'd get married again. Woman: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face) Man: (audible groan) Woman: Would you sleep with her in our bed? Man: Where else would we sleep? Woman: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her? Man: That would seem like the proper thing to do. Woman: And would you let her use my golf clubs? Man: She can't use them -- she's left-handed. Woman: (silence) Man: Sh*t.